I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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