I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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