Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
