Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
