I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
