What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Floor bacon is actually really good
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