I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
