Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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