girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
