I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
