just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
