i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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