Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
