It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
