I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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