She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
