it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize