Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize