my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
