Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
