am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize