I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
