Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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