I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
