I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
