I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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