i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
