did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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