My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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