I have demons in me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
