i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize