the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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