Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize