Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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