I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
