Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think I won the penis lottery.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
