what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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