Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
