SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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