I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
