You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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