so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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