i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
