Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
