bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
