It's Friday. Sex?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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