A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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