I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
