Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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