I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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