and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
