Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize