I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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