Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
