How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
