I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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